Something that has come to light over the last 12 months is how well I was ‘trained’ to be a ‘good girl’. To do my best to give everyone what they expected and what they needed, whilst ignoring what I needed and should have expected for myself. From the time I was small, it was about pleasing others with my actions and what I said. As a young adult, it just didn’t feel right, so I rebelled and said whatever came to mind.
As I matured, I realised that I needed to get along with a wide range of people to achieve or succeed in my endeavours. I would receive criticism regarding how I interacted with others and so I would do my best to be open to the feedback and adapt. I spent so much time adapting to how other people wanted me to act / behave / interact, that I lost all sense of what it felt like to be unapologetically me.
Since finding Epigenetics and Precision Health, I have discovered that I am designed biologically to be a certain way. The discord that was caused through being a ‘good girl’ was me acting against my nature.
What was the result for me of conforming to what others wanted and expected of me?
Auto-immune illness, burnout and damage to important relationships.
The reason I bring this up is that I’ve found it happening again recently.
I’ve been involved in an emerging organisation for a little while now. As with any emerging organisation or business, it’s a bit of all hands on deck and doing things that may not be an area of genius for me, but needs doing for progress to occur. Noting that systems are not fully in place and much of the work is being done by volunteers. So there have been a few hiccups. I call them hiccups because, realistically in the scheme of things – no one has died, every one is human and doing the best they can, etc etc etc. People make mistakes and when everyone is working hard doing multiple things sometimes action items don’t get actioned. Like most organisations, this particular group of people would be horrified to think that they have crossed the boundaries of inclusion, diversity and belonging.
But I’m going to call the unconscious bias of the group.
I’m not like them. I’m rougher around the edges. I grew up in a very different environment. My life’s path has taken me a very different route – heck, I’ve served on the ground in three very different war zones.
I don’t hold work as the be all and end all of my life (anymore).
My reputation is important to me but I keep in mind that I’m multi-dimensional and human. I make mistakes… but like many of you, I don’t purposely set out on any day or moment to do the worst I can and I like to learn, to improve.
So back to this organisation, which I will not name as it isn’t their fault. Instead of chatting with me about expectations and clarifying what it is that is wanted versus what I have provided, the leaders are just quietly getting others to do what they’ve asked me to do. I believe the root of the issue to be that they don’t know what they want. They know what they DON’T want though. I see that they are trying to save face for everyone in treating people as they do. However, these are what I think are the ramifications of what I am observing:
- Limited to no opportunities for learning and development at the individual level;
- Confusion of roles;
- Undermining of individual’s confidence;
- Indication to the individual that they aren’t enough (good enough, experienced enough, etc);
- Judging and disempowering the individual; and
- Reinforcing to the individual that they are not acceptable in that environment.
It is a difficult issue whether it’s paid employment or volunteer work.
So, why did I title this piece ‘Authenticity’?
Through knowing who I am and what’s important to me, I can see the inputs to this situation and the actions that are being taken, more objectively. To me, it says much more about the people who are currently leading the organisation than it does about me. Through being authentically me, these leaders have decided that I’m not someone that they choose to spend time with. I’m not one of “them”.
And do you know?
I’m really okay with that. I look at the way they operate / run their lives and that is not something I want to be part of either. I’ve been that busy and I don’t like it. It doesn’t devastate me that other people would consider me as ‘not their cup of tea’. Heck, not everyone is my ‘cup of tea’. That’s the way the world works.
Instead of being upset by it and doing my best to change to what I think they would like / need me to be and morphing into that person, I’m standing fast in my knowing of myself.
I have value.
I am enough.
If this is not my ‘tribe’, then I simply move along.
I do believe that with open communication through dialogue though, working together well is absolutely possible. Once we let go of ownership of the entire process, put adequate supports in place / give people the tools they need and focus on the outcomes (when clearly understood by all parties), it’s much easier to get along and everyone ‘wins’.
I’d love to know your thoughts on the matter.
